My friends, we are coming upon yet another originally Christian holiday which, just as has happened with Christmas, has been diminished by subversive atheists and nefarious secularists. when you celebrate this holiday season, please remember its true meaning.
When God created Adam in the Garden of Eden, he was all alone in the world, the only man on earth. Sure he had the animals to keep him company, but it wasn't quite enough. This is why he learned to brew and ferment various forms of alcohol, to drown his sorrows.
When God finally created a woman to keep him company, Adam was initially suspicious. Another human. Despite his loneliness, this was a whole new paradigm for him. He was suspicious and untrusting. One of the animals in the Garden, though, sheepishly approached the woman and began licking her hand. And just as some pet owners judge potential mates by whether or not their pets like them, Adam knew by this that he could trust her and accept her. He promptly celebrated in the only way he knew how. He got stone cold drunk.
So tomorrow night, when you raise your glass to toast good tidings for 2010, I call upon you to abandon the modern perversion of the accepted toast, and instead exclaim the original meaning of the celebration:
Happy "ewe nears Eve"!