Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Another Christian Holiday Subverted? Yeah, He Sent Me That...

My friends, we are coming upon yet another originally Christian holiday which, just as has happened with Christmas, has been diminished by subversive atheists and nefarious secularists. when you celebrate this holiday season, please remember its true meaning.

When God created Adam in the Garden of Eden, he was all alone in the world, the only man on earth. Sure he had the animals to keep him company, but it wasn't quite enough. This is why he learned to brew and ferment various forms of alcohol, to drown his sorrows.

When God finally created a woman to keep him company, Adam was initially suspicious. Another human. Despite his loneliness, this was a whole new paradigm for him. He was suspicious and untrusting. One of the animals in the Garden, though, sheepishly approached the woman and began licking her hand. And just as some pet owners judge potential mates by whether or not their pets like them, Adam knew by this that he could trust her and accept her. He promptly celebrated in the only way he knew how. He got stone cold drunk.

So tomorrow night, when you raise your glass to toast good tidings for 2010, I call upon you to abandon the modern perversion of the accepted toast, and instead exclaim the original meaning of the celebration:
Happy "ewe nears Eve"!

me: WTF?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I'm Sending a Card to Our Troops

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I Am Not...

...a pull toy!

he keeps trying to convince me..

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"My Cat..."

" butt-dialing my phone"

me: LMAO


Monday, November 30, 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Yeah, He Sent That

Dear Mr. President:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S. From Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Have Some BBQ With Your Breakfast?!?

Situation: I'm making breakfast [frenching waffles & scrambling eggs], I asked him to get out Maple Syrup & jam for the frenched waffles*...

JJM: "OK, I'll skip the barbecue sauce"

me: "Thank You" [see, i'm practically immune to it now...]

*frenched waffles is like frenched toast only using waffles!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


just something he sent me...

You can get more with a smile and a gun,
than you can get with a smile alone.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
He who laughs lasts, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Those who live by the sword,
get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 Rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,
five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait,
will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
Remember, when you go into court,
you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's HIS Fault!

The ONLY reason I know about this is because my boyfriend sent me the link...thanks for the new addiction buddy!

Slightly Warped Curiosities


Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Other Day...

Situation: he was downloading the latest 'Terminator' movie from the internet, found a glitch...

JJM: "Seems fitting there was glitch in 'Terminator Salvation'"

me: [not paying too much attention] "Oh?"

JJM: "Apparently, Skynet doesn't want me to have the movie!"

me: LMAO

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

About Dinner Time...

me: "Any thoughts?" [yep, he knew i was talking about getting dinner]

JJM: "Nope, Not a one. My brain is empty"

me: "You really want me to blog that?"

JJM: [laughs]

My Boyfriend SENDS me the Darndest Things...

I realize that these aren't specifically things he SAID, they are just interesting things he SENDS me, so I thought I'd share some of them with you here periodically...

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and flat screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

i like this one... for obvious reasons! ;)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Overheard Him on the Phone...

JJM: "Oh I try not to think while I talk..."

me: [snort]

Early This Morning...

JJM: [out of the blue] "I go to dial the phone...notice the TV remote is in my hand and wondering why the buttons look funny"

me: ok..

Monday, November 9, 2009

He Picked out a 'Sourhead' from the Halloween Candy Bag...

JJM: "Wow this sourhead is sour!"

me: "What did you expect?"

JJM: "My mouth's making enough saliva to fill a swimming pool..."

me: TMI

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Sunday Midmorning

Situation: sorting through a bag of Halloween candy from a friend..

JJM: "You can have all the gum, I have a problem with gum"

me: "Oh?"

JJM: "When I eat something it's to eat it...gum is just a perversion"

me: ok...

Monday, November 2, 2009

So Many Weird Little Things...

...he's said lately and I'm not sure they'd make too much sense out of context. I'll be listening for you though!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Awhile Back...Another Food Reference

Situation: prepping food for deep fat frying...

JJM: "Huh, I wonder how deep fried lettuce would taste..."

me: "oh brother..."

[I need to design a T-Shirt with that or something]

Friday, October 30, 2009

I Take it Back...

He Came Thru!

JJM: [out of the blue] "I think I used up my brain"

me: [i'm just sitting here 'snickering'...]


We're both sick today so we're not saying much... we DID start another blog so HE has somewhere to add 'darndest things' which I say...

My Girlfriend Says the Darndest Things

I think he's afraid to tell you some of the stuff I say actually. I may have to post them myself on this blog... maybe. ;)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Earlier This Morning...

I can't EVEN tell you what he said this morning, too...crude... :)

Monday, October 26, 2009

In The Past...

Situation: in the kitchen, prepping a meal...

JJM: “huh, I wonder how chocolate chips would taste in baked potatoes”

me: "feel free to try that on YOUR baked potato!"

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Today at Lunch

JJM: [waving a cucumber around] "This would make a good cucumber"

me: [feeling totally perplexed] "It IS a cucumber" stating the obvious

JJM: meant pickle...