Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
true? Where can it befound?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on
my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

Yeah, he sent me that...

me [thinking]: he DOES realize that if he makes it to that age, they will be talking about HIM, right?

Another Christian Holiday Subverted? Yeah, He Sent Me That...

My friends, we are coming upon yet another originally Christian holiday which, just as has happened with Christmas, has been diminished by subversive atheists and nefarious secularists. when you celebrate this holiday season, please remember its true meaning.

When God created Adam in the Garden of Eden, he was all alone in the world, the only man on earth. Sure he had the animals to keep him company, but it wasn't quite enough. This is why he learned to brew and ferment various forms of alcohol, to drown his sorrows.

When God finally created a woman to keep him company, Adam was initially suspicious. Another human. Despite his loneliness, this was a whole new paradigm for him. He was suspicious and untrusting. One of the animals in the Garden, though, sheepishly approached the woman and began licking her hand. And just as some pet owners judge potential mates by whether or not their pets like them, Adam knew by this that he could trust her and accept her. He promptly celebrated in the only way he knew how. He got stone cold drunk.

So tomorrow night, when you raise your glass to toast good tidings for 2010, I call upon you to abandon the modern perversion of the accepted toast, and instead exclaim the original meaning of the celebration:
Happy "ewe nears Eve"!

me: WTF?

Han Solo on Twitter, Yeah, He Sent That!

Yeah, He Sent That

Dear Mr. President:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S. From Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!

He's a Patriot!

It's HIS Fault!

The ONLY reason I know about this is because my boyfriend sent me the link...thanks for the new addiction buddy!

Slightly Warped Curiosities

:)

My Boyfriend SENDS me the Darndest Things...

I realize that these aren't specifically things he SAID, they are just interesting things he SENDS me, so I thought I'd share some of them with you here periodically...

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and flat screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

i like this one... for obvious reasons! ;)